Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Everyone says I win the strip club
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
