One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
