I wish life had little blips of pornography
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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