I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
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just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
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I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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