got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
