best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
