my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
can u get pink eye on your cock?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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