saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
