I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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