I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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