I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
