i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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