Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
