My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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