we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
