dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
