so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
