when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
