Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
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I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
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There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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