Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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