Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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