You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
