oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I supernannyed him into submission
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
