I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
