youre lurking in front of me
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
