I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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