I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
