sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
ttyl tear gas
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
