Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
