This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
