I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
