There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
