Princesses don't give blow jobs
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
