Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
