Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
