I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
