: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
