I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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