i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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