A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
