when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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