ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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