I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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