Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.