ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
