allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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