someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there