some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My liver just broke up with me...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
