Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
