Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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