At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We have started to decorate penises.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
