so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
