the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
