I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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