She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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