I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
