As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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