he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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