Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
