After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
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i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
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I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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