Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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