I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
