good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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