How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Randomize
