Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
